I have spent years wondering what it would feel like to have a long lost child make contact, how I would handle the fact that he had another mother that raised him, loved him and cared for him. Would I feel jealous? Would she feel threatened? How do you achieve such a delicate balance that no one is hurt or offended in the process of becoming reacquainted?
The very first email I sent my son was difficult; not because of what I had to say but because I was at a loss how to sign it. Gina? Mom? I struggled with that for a moment and decided to put the question to him - ultimately signing it both ways before clicking that send button. He replied that for the time being he would prefer to call me Gina, since the woman that raised him was his "Mum". It stung for a second but then I had to remind myself that I really had not been instrumental in making him the fine young man that he is today. So Gina it is. It will take time to earn the designation "Mom".
We've had some conversation on this via MSN messenger (what a wonderful tool this is across the Atlantic!) and the process of connecting, or re-connecting as it were, has been delightful and sometimes suprising. It brought on reminders of the old nature vs nurture debate as it was obvious that he shares a lot of personality traits and quirks with me and his two half-brothers. He was as stunned as I was. Somehow the conversation flowed easily from one topic to the next, with occassional dips and spikes - as was expected since we chatted most of the day.
I am so thrilled to be embarking on this journey but terrified at the same time that I will blunder and say something to scare him off. Will I say something that will offend him and his allegiance to his "Mum" or will his curiosity and our biological bond withstand my occasional faux pas? I have not been able to think of much anything else in the past few days. They say time heals all wounds but this one has been torn open and I'm not even licking them.
Random musings about finally growing up...or not.
From: Bremen, Germany
About me: I am but a mortal woman who has lived most of her life questioning everything and rebelling against it all. I've lived day to day, every day until recently; I suddenly realized I was 42. They say wisdom comes with age, I am still learning what it means to be grown up.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
You, me and she make three
posted by Gina at 7:29 AM
| Permalink |
| Permalink |
6 Comments:
-
At 9:35 AM,
-
Thanks for the kind words Michael. Although my son was never adopted by his step-mother, I suppose it sort of feels as though he had been. Have you ever been tempted to make contact with your birthmother? My son seems really excited to learn about me and his brothers. The similarities between all of us is uncanny! He loves languages and art, same as myself PLUS he is also a writer! So it goes to show that nature often does take over nurture :)
-
At 7:17 PM,
My wife has been bugging me to for years but for me no. I do often wonder what they are/were like but its actually one of the few things in this life that scares me. I am afraid of what I may learn, afraid of what may ensue should I make contact. With my situation being a little different than your sons All I have ever known are mom and dad and I have also always known I was adopted (I was adopted as an infant but as soon as I was able to comprehend my parents told me how I was a special boy. That they had picked me specially from all the boys and girls to be their son). I love my parents deeply and at some level also feel like if I did, although they have offered to help, would feel like I was betraying them somehow. That's why I think it is so great that you two don't have that hanging over you and that your son was comfortable enough to be able to reach out. It's a beautifl opportunity you have been given.
-
I understand completely Michael. Let me just throw this at you though - what if there is some genetic condition in your birth bloodline that you did not know about but could potentially pass on to your own children? I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself :) -
At 4:16 PM,
Okay honey ;-) .... Oh that was you not my wife. That's what she always says. I often wonder too but both kids are in great health and I actually recently had my life insurance rates reduced after my physical and blood work (lots of olive oil and others like I mention on http://www.mikeysgblog.com/Lists/Posts/Post.aspx?ID=44 ) so that concern has lessoned as time has went on. Still you never know maybe someday (the cowards response ;-)
-
At 7:34 PM,
Okay just went back and re-read my post and as I am verrrrry tired today I wanted to make sure that what I said didn't come across wrong. I was trying to be funny with the whole "Okay Honey...Oh your not my wife" thing. Re-reading it it sounded like I was being a jerk not cute (okay so with a mug like mine I can never be cute but I don't want to be a jerk either)
Have a great night Gina :-)
:-)
As an adopted child who has never made contact with his naturel parents (all I know is they were clooege students at Berkley, Roe Vs. Wade was not a reality yet hence here I am, I know that I am of Italian?German?Portuguese heritage, oh yeah and my mom has offeredd to tell me who the mother is because she saw her name on the original birth certificate) I just want to encourage you to keep with it. :-) As a Microsoft employee I want to thank you for using our instant messenger client ;-)
And on a totally unrelated note I wanted to share a link to a Video Blog site I ran across that I got a kick out of http://www.truegritz.com/
Have a great day Gina