I've been so torn up about this whole moving across continents thing that I've hardly slept in days. Perhaps my visit to Germany wasn't such a good idea after all. I had my homesickness under check for years and it only reared its ugly head during the obligatory holiday seasons. Seeing my mother aging and ill though has given me quite a bit of food for thought. Then again, I've always been the caretaker so maybe that's what's kicking in?

I toss and turn at night thinking about all the possible scenarios. What if I decide to go ahead and do it and then I miss the States? I mean, I basically spent more than half of my life here. Would I get homesick? Then again, English-language TV is just a satellite away. With the world becoming more and more global and without boundaries, I can have the best of both worlds. Right?

Then I am thinking about my son. He's grown up over here and isn't all that enthused about going to high school in a (to him) foreign country where he doesn't even speak the language (yet). On one hand I give him a valid point; on the other, I would have given my left arm to have the opportunity to live in another country at his age. What an adventure! Plus, if he really hates it, then he can always come back to the US and go to college here. No problemo.

Boy, I just don't know. I lost my train of thought and off I go, tossing and turning some more.

A lot of thoughts have been keeping me up at night. Although I really do want to go back home for good (I think, see?!) it doesn't seem to be so easy. For one, I am fairly out of touch with life in the fatherland. While I currently work for a German firm, I'm also employed in their U.S. division, so no cultural difference there. However, I have a tough time even remembering what it was like to work in Germany at all. Probably due to the fact that I always worked for either the military or some other US affiliated company. I can imagine it will or would be quite a shock to me to suddenly work for a true Germany company. I'm not even sure that I want to do that. So it's a dilemma.

I've lived here almost 20 years now and the world has changed so much. I've changed along with it, grown older (not necessarily wiser sometimes - HA!) but I've also become extremely americanized. I even sound like an American when I speak German, having forgotten so many words and phrases. I couldn't even figure out how to work the ticket machine to ride the bus, for crying out loud! What a tourist!

At the same time I am reluctant to go the final step and acquire American citizenship. Not because I don't love this country but more because I do not feel ready to give up my German citizenship. Still having that last bit of the old world doesn't make me a true German any longer; I suppose it's my way of holding on to the past. I am really confused about the whole thing, to tell you the truth. I mean, switching nationality is so darn final. It almost feels like I'm cutting something off that really shouldn't be. Anyway...

...I'm 43 today. And what an uneventful birthday it has been thus far. No fanfare, no phone calls, presents or flowers...just another ordinary day. Should I be depressed about it? I don't feel depressed really. A bit miffed maybe that my children seem to have forgotten. Then again, could have something to do with the fact that they are both in the doghouse. Yeah, let's get back at her by forgetting her birthday, that'll teach her. Whatever. I'm going out for a few drinks after work and who knows...maybe I'll run into my Prince Charming. Rrrright.

On the bright side, I only have 12 years to go before I can qualify for the senior discount.

A few months ago, in one of my moments, I set out to find my best friend from junior high. For some reason, it seemed really important to me. Perhaps because as troubled as my teens were she was for the longest time my only friend. Our relationship was only made tighter by the fact that my mother didn't want me hanging out with her. We got into some doozies, but mostly it was just typical teenage girl stuff. You know, discovering sexuality and boys, running away (even if it was only a few hours), hanging out and clubs - you get the picture. We were for years inseparable. For some crazy reason I had been thinking about her quite a bit lately and well, I wanted to find her. Reconnect, see if we were still as we always had been.

I did find her eventually and the initial joy of speakig with her over the phone gave way to some confusion. She didn't seem too interested in talking with me at all. Just a few days ago I ran across a message board posting by her by chance. I mean, what are the odds that among millions of message board postings you run across the one from your junior high best friend? Astronomical I'd say. So I sent her an email and attached a few photos of me all grown up and my family from my Germany visit.

It didn't take long for her to respond. Only, the response was not what I expected. I'm not going to repeat it verbatim but the essense of it was, "don't email or call me, not interested in restarting our friendship." No signature, no have a nice life, no anything of that sort. Short, cold and dismissive. I was in shock. Truly.

What had I said or done to have her brush me off like this? I can't think of a thing other than the fact we hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. But hey, people reconnect after 40 years with old friends, so what is different in this situation? I don't get it. Been thinking about it ever since too. I am going to respect her wishes although it doesn't feel as though she gave much thought to my feelings at all. No point in pursuing someone that does not want to be pursued, right? The same goes for male-female relationships, but I digress again.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that our lives have turned out so differently. She is perfectly happy being a housewife and going to church everyday, all she needs is God in her life. (her words, not mine). Me? I've always been sort of a globetrotter, always looking to the horizon for bigger and better adventures to go after. I am never satisfied with where I've gone until I've achieved just a bit more. Overachiever maybe? I dunno. But I like myself just the way I am. Sort of a worldly femme fatale. Ha!

Maybe I reminded her of what she could've been. Maybe she really isn't as happy as she says she is. I'm just speculating (obviously) since I cannot for the life of me think of any good reason for the rude brush off. I suppose I will have to just make do with the memories of those days in junior high and quit chasing something that simply no longer exists.

I've been perusing the job market in Germany and sent out some resumes. All indications point to a dilemma though: it appears that I am a bit out of touch what constitutes an acceptable resume there. I had forgotten that they require your date of birth as well as a current photo for consideration. To tell you the truth I find this to be discriminatory. Nobody would dream of asking your age over here with a job app, let alone demand a photo. What, if you're less than attractive you're not employable?

One of my cousins ominously pointed out that at 42 I will have a tough time finding a job, even with my bilingual skills and my MBA. German companies want nobody older than 35, she tells me, and on top of that they would prefer someone really attractive. Ok, I'm no ugly duckling but the age thing I cannot change. I have to admit it has me a bit worried. Is there really truth to this?

I've sent out a few "American-style" resumes to German companies in the past few days; mainly to see if I would even get a bite at all. I suppose if push comes to shove I'll have to shell out some serious dollars to put a "German-style" resume package together and have all of my transcripts, diplomas etc. translated into German in a chronological format. What a pain!

Then I am also a bit stumped on the housing situation. Do I really want to sell my house and move into an apartment over there? It would take me years to save up enough money for a downpayment on a mortgage over there. I did some preliminary searches in the real estate market and I haven't seen a decent house under 200,000 Euros ($265,480). I could get a semi-mansion for that kind of money over here!

Oh and let's not forget television programming. Ok, so I'm spoiled with my DVR and satellite programming; plus, during my visit, I really didn't enjoy German programming. I want my CSI in English!! Am I willing to trade that for cobblestone streets and fresh Broetchen for breakfast? This is going to give me a lot to think about for sure.

Now here's a photo of my mother, me and my siblings. I am still struggling to put this whole thing into perspective, struggling to reconcile the image I had of my mother in my head with what reality is. And time has a way of merrily skipping along not giving a crap what else is happening.

When I get contemplative I exhibit much the same symptoms as a depressive state, I won't eat right, I sleep very little and I have no taste for a beer. Which, as a German, I love my beer. Not since I've come back. Well...alright, I had two with lunch at the Waldhorn today (having a Wienerschnitzel, yum!). I just keep seeing my mom's face in my mind's eye and it truly disturbs me how sad her eyes are. You know what they say about that, "The eyes are the windows to ones soul." I can readily agree with that.

Whereas her eyes used to hold a sparkle, her laughter used to be hearty and excuberant, her step quick and lively....she is now sad, lonely and trying to put up a front. I hate it. I hate that I feel no remorse for moving across the Atlantic and building my own life, away from all the hold hurts and agonies. I want her to be happy like she used to be but have no means of accomplishing that. I can't send her money because she would only buy alcohol with it. I can't pay her bills since she is on welfare and they would question that. Talking with her on the phone seems to give her no joy (if it does, she doesn't show it) and...well, I am just at a loss.

My mother divied up her last earthly possessions of jewelry between me and my sister. I also got my grandmas garnet earrings. I understand her thinking in a way but it made me uncomfortable. Who wants to think about their mother dividing inheritance? What, does the think she's going to die tomorrow and I will never see her again? There again, that is truly sa and depressing. She's 59 for crying out loud!

On a lighter note, I got my old albums back. She saved them for me. How weird is it to go home 20 years later and pick up your old Ummagumma or Deep Purple in Concert albums that are now almost 30 years old??? What a flash back! lol

Anyway... I am still chewing this over....

It was an interesting trip back in time to see family and visit old haunts. My hometown really hasn't changed that much, the food is still what it always was and it's still cold as hell in December. I have no idea why they changed their beer brewing practices around though; I was surprised by the weird taste of some of my favorite brews. Don't mess with a good thing I say!

Meeting my family was an experience in and of itself. I met up with my sister first and while we have both grown 20 years older since we last saw each other nothing much was all that different. I suppose our intermittent chats via online and some phonecalls helped in that aspect. Meeting my mother again after 18 years though really gave me a jolt and a lot of thoughts to ponder. I have been back stateside since the 1st and I am still struggling to put the whole thing into perspective. I truly was not prepared to see her as she is today, older, tired, worn, puffy and ravaged by her progressing alcoholism. Although if you listen to her she has no problem. I digress.

Seeing her reminded me of the last time I saw my father a few years before he passed away from liver disease. Alcohol can take such a toll on your whole body and soul. I felt that my mother wasn't even all there, struggled to find common ground to talk and well, the whole thing was painfully uncomfortable for me. Yes, I wanted to see her; Lord know when, or if, I will ever see her again. I had entire speeches in my head, things I wanted to clear up, things I wanted to talk about. None of it happened. I found myself looking at her sort of out of the corner of my eyes as if looking directly at her somehow hurt. I suppose in a way it did and still does.

She used to be such a beautiful woman and full of life. Now she is a mere shell of her former self, lonely and depressed. I am helpless to do anything about it. She is helpless because she lives in a dark world called denial. Some things never change. Where I used to harbor such anger at my mother for being such a rotten mother to us siblings, I now feel pity; I also feel grateful to a certain degree that I am so far away from her. I saddens me to know that where she was once the life of the party surrounded by lots of friends, she now scrubs toilets to supplement her meager disability payments. I honestly have no idea how to work through all this right now but it helps to put it out there in the open I suppose.

Visiting with family catapulted me back at times to when I was 12 as we sat around the dining room table with various cousins, uncles and aunts; for the most part, it was evident that all of us carried our own burdens from childhood through now and that we are as a whole probably a fairly dysfunctional family. How about that? There I thought just my end of it was screwed up! Ha! There was a lot of reminiscing going on, a lot of complaining about various mom's and dad's and that feeling that we were all just trying to put on a show because I was visiting after so many years.

I even went out a few times, had a few drinks but felt totally out of place. The fun and such that I used to have just wasn't there anymore. I was bored. Unbelievable.

For so many years I was stuck in 23 year old mode, nobody ever aging in my twisted little mind and me never really growing up. Or so I thought. Now that I am back from the happy reunion it dawns on me, that unbeknownst to me I was slowly growing up anyway. I am now a 40something woman and no longer a 20something party girl. I am more serious and dedicated to causes and opinions than I ever was. Visiting Germany shocked me into reality.

Maybe it's a good thing?