Now here's a photo of my mother, me and my siblings. I am still struggling to put this whole thing into perspective, struggling to reconcile the image I had of my mother in my head with what reality is. And time has a way of merrily skipping along not giving a crap what else is happening.

When I get contemplative I exhibit much the same symptoms as a depressive state, I won't eat right, I sleep very little and I have no taste for a beer. Which, as a German, I love my beer. Not since I've come back. Well...alright, I had two with lunch at the Waldhorn today (having a Wienerschnitzel, yum!). I just keep seeing my mom's face in my mind's eye and it truly disturbs me how sad her eyes are. You know what they say about that, "The eyes are the windows to ones soul." I can readily agree with that.

Whereas her eyes used to hold a sparkle, her laughter used to be hearty and excuberant, her step quick and lively....she is now sad, lonely and trying to put up a front. I hate it. I hate that I feel no remorse for moving across the Atlantic and building my own life, away from all the hold hurts and agonies. I want her to be happy like she used to be but have no means of accomplishing that. I can't send her money because she would only buy alcohol with it. I can't pay her bills since she is on welfare and they would question that. Talking with her on the phone seems to give her no joy (if it does, she doesn't show it) and...well, I am just at a loss.

My mother divied up her last earthly possessions of jewelry between me and my sister. I also got my grandmas garnet earrings. I understand her thinking in a way but it made me uncomfortable. Who wants to think about their mother dividing inheritance? What, does the think she's going to die tomorrow and I will never see her again? There again, that is truly sa and depressing. She's 59 for crying out loud!

On a lighter note, I got my old albums back. She saved them for me. How weird is it to go home 20 years later and pick up your old Ummagumma or Deep Purple in Concert albums that are now almost 30 years old??? What a flash back! lol

Anyway... I am still chewing this over....