It was an interesting trip back in time to see family and visit old haunts. My hometown really hasn't changed that much, the food is still what it always was and it's still cold as hell in December. I have no idea why they changed their beer brewing practices around though; I was surprised by the weird taste of some of my favorite brews. Don't mess with a good thing I say!

Meeting my family was an experience in and of itself. I met up with my sister first and while we have both grown 20 years older since we last saw each other nothing much was all that different. I suppose our intermittent chats via online and some phonecalls helped in that aspect. Meeting my mother again after 18 years though really gave me a jolt and a lot of thoughts to ponder. I have been back stateside since the 1st and I am still struggling to put the whole thing into perspective. I truly was not prepared to see her as she is today, older, tired, worn, puffy and ravaged by her progressing alcoholism. Although if you listen to her she has no problem. I digress.

Seeing her reminded me of the last time I saw my father a few years before he passed away from liver disease. Alcohol can take such a toll on your whole body and soul. I felt that my mother wasn't even all there, struggled to find common ground to talk and well, the whole thing was painfully uncomfortable for me. Yes, I wanted to see her; Lord know when, or if, I will ever see her again. I had entire speeches in my head, things I wanted to clear up, things I wanted to talk about. None of it happened. I found myself looking at her sort of out of the corner of my eyes as if looking directly at her somehow hurt. I suppose in a way it did and still does.

She used to be such a beautiful woman and full of life. Now she is a mere shell of her former self, lonely and depressed. I am helpless to do anything about it. She is helpless because she lives in a dark world called denial. Some things never change. Where I used to harbor such anger at my mother for being such a rotten mother to us siblings, I now feel pity; I also feel grateful to a certain degree that I am so far away from her. I saddens me to know that where she was once the life of the party surrounded by lots of friends, she now scrubs toilets to supplement her meager disability payments. I honestly have no idea how to work through all this right now but it helps to put it out there in the open I suppose.

Visiting with family catapulted me back at times to when I was 12 as we sat around the dining room table with various cousins, uncles and aunts; for the most part, it was evident that all of us carried our own burdens from childhood through now and that we are as a whole probably a fairly dysfunctional family. How about that? There I thought just my end of it was screwed up! Ha! There was a lot of reminiscing going on, a lot of complaining about various mom's and dad's and that feeling that we were all just trying to put on a show because I was visiting after so many years.

I even went out a few times, had a few drinks but felt totally out of place. The fun and such that I used to have just wasn't there anymore. I was bored. Unbelievable.

For so many years I was stuck in 23 year old mode, nobody ever aging in my twisted little mind and me never really growing up. Or so I thought. Now that I am back from the happy reunion it dawns on me, that unbeknownst to me I was slowly growing up anyway. I am now a 40something woman and no longer a 20something party girl. I am more serious and dedicated to causes and opinions than I ever was. Visiting Germany shocked me into reality.

Maybe it's a good thing?