As of today I am officially an MBA. I should feel elated to be rid of the debilitating workloads every week - yet, I am not. What I am feeling is a sense of loss and I'm even a bit depressed. Can someone tell me why? This makes no sense at all. I pushed myself for six years first through the undergrad and then the master's program, while simultaneously raising two boys alone and holding down a full-time job. I gave up dating, hobbies and a social life for excellent grades. I learned how to hammer out 15 page papers over the course of a weekend but evidently have forgotten how to live! As it stands, I now have all this 'extra' time and no clue what to do with it.
Yes, I am trolling the net for french cooking and art classes but it's more of a symbolic gesture. Symbolic because it's on my list of to do things once I graduate. In my heart, I really don't feel like doing any of them right now. My house is much cleaner since I am constantly fidgeting with something as well. Maybe this will eventually go away but as of right now - I am seriously down with the post-grad blues.
I've been applying and discussing various jobs in Germany but nothing concrete has manifested itself just yet. So I plug away at it while being completely bored out of my brain at my current job. I'm not sure how much longer I can take the daily tedium but I'm hanging in there. I suppose part of my discord stems from the fact that I just don't feel challenged; no one seems to care what I am capable of doing and the upper echelons are perfectly happy keeping me pigeonholed in this go-nowhere role. It's maddening! Hey, I've had folks tell me that they wish they made the money I make and sit idle most of the time. 'It's not about the money people', I tell them, because truly that is a small part of job satisfaction. I need to be pushed, challenged, thrown some deadlines - ANYTHING! Just don't make me sit in my office and churn out meaningless reports. AAARGHH!!
Seriously though, it eats at my confidence. I mean, here I am, a full MBA, yet my in my boss' opinion it's 'way more than we need' and 'all those fancy classes'. Why the hell did he even hire me? I don't get it.
Anyway, I'm still here....with nothing to do now but cry in my beer and try to get my bearings. I wish I could've gone through this in my 20's - that whole 'what should I do with my life now?' thing. Alas, here I am: 43, a new grad and no clue what to do with it.
Random musings about finally growing up...or not.
From: Bremen, Germany
About me: I am but a mortal woman who has lived most of her life questioning everything and rebelling against it all. I've lived day to day, every day until recently; I suddenly realized I was 42. They say wisdom comes with age, I am still learning what it means to be grown up.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
My, how time flies....
I've spent the past month doing nothing but weighing pro's and con's on this whole Germany issue. One month later I am no wiser nor am I any closer to making a decision.
On one hand, I think I really do want to move back. Then I asked myself, what exactly are the reasons that I want to do this? Obviously, it would be a noble thought if I did it to be closer to my mother and family. To be honest, I don't really think my mother has anything to do with it. As a matter of fact, I'd be subjected to endless late-night phonecalls and other situations I am spared now. So what is the draw? I've come to the partial conclusion that I am simply in denial. Yup. That's it. I've spent the past 22+ years here, building a life, raising children, cursing ex-husband's - well, you get the picture. During these 22-odd years life in Germany went on without a lot of change. People got older, the country is still beautiful (and yes, I do miss the country) but overall, all is as it was. Time went by and I never really thought about the fact that indeed I am getting older, growing up and so on and so forth. Perhaps by moving back there I can force some change (I am such a rebel). Perhaps not. Who knows?
Then, I have endless other reasons why it would be cool for my son to spend his high school years in Germany (or any other European country come to think of it). What a unique expierence for him to have. Never mind that he doesn't speak a lick of German (he can learn, right?) and is as American a teen as can be. He may initially feel a sense of adventure but everyday hohum has a way of creeping in - no matter where on planet earth you are. Do I have the right to be selfish and make him move anyway? Or am I even being selfish? That one I still haven't figured out.
How does the saying go...no matter where you go, there you are.
On one hand, I think I really do want to move back. Then I asked myself, what exactly are the reasons that I want to do this? Obviously, it would be a noble thought if I did it to be closer to my mother and family. To be honest, I don't really think my mother has anything to do with it. As a matter of fact, I'd be subjected to endless late-night phonecalls and other situations I am spared now. So what is the draw? I've come to the partial conclusion that I am simply in denial. Yup. That's it. I've spent the past 22+ years here, building a life, raising children, cursing ex-husband's - well, you get the picture. During these 22-odd years life in Germany went on without a lot of change. People got older, the country is still beautiful (and yes, I do miss the country) but overall, all is as it was. Time went by and I never really thought about the fact that indeed I am getting older, growing up and so on and so forth. Perhaps by moving back there I can force some change (I am such a rebel). Perhaps not. Who knows?
Then, I have endless other reasons why it would be cool for my son to spend his high school years in Germany (or any other European country come to think of it). What a unique expierence for him to have. Never mind that he doesn't speak a lick of German (he can learn, right?) and is as American a teen as can be. He may initially feel a sense of adventure but everyday hohum has a way of creeping in - no matter where on planet earth you are. Do I have the right to be selfish and make him move anyway? Or am I even being selfish? That one I still haven't figured out.
How does the saying go...no matter where you go, there you are.
