After seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I often pondered whether there would be an ultimate benefit to erasing bad memories. While I admit that my negative memories often outnumber those of a more positive nature, my life hasn't been all about drama and chaos. There are quite a few months and years in between that were full of joy and happiness. Granted, these aren't as numerous as I'd like them to be - not even close. However, if I chose to remove those that still haunt me and which happened to occur in the middle of a more, shall we say, relative calm period, wouldn't I do myself a disservice?

And how does one pick and chose what stays and what goes? Do I discard the horrible fisticuffs I got into with one of my exes but leave the make-up sex after? What would be the context of the sex then? It couldn't be make-up sex anymore since there was nothing to make up for...

My mind has done a wonderful job applying selective amnesia to a number of periods in my life. I did not have to consciously go out of my way to forget, they are just gone. What a wonderful survival mechanism we have at our disposal at times. Areas of our mind will band together and form a barrier to keep us sane. I must say I wish my mind, at times, was a bit more on top of things. I'm remembering way more than I appreciate.

I suppose at the same token I've often wished I could go back and change some things, but then I'd end up creating a paradox by undoing a whole lot of other aspects that I really do want to keep. So, the case for selective amnesia isn't as simple as the above mentioned movie would make it out to be. One, I'd have to accept the complete loss of entire years of my existence. Two, a lot of those memories have formed me to be the person that I am today. I would never profess to be perfect, far from it. Still, who would I be without those ugly experiences?

Could I still feel compassion and empathy for those going through the same troubles? Or would it leave me distant for lack of understanding? If I chose to forget my entire childhood, or let's just say a third of it, would I still love the taste of cherries on my ice cream? Riding my bike? Would I even be able to ride a bike still? Would I forget how to swim? The smell of roses? The list is endless.

Yes, I wish I could erase some of those ugly things in the back of my mind that seem to have a way of popping up when I least want them to. Naturally I also wish these had never happened in the first place. Wishing never got me very far. Dealing with them in a more realistic way is tough, as I have a tendency to keep shoving it way, way into the depth of the dark corners of my brain. If I want to have any chance of normalcy I'll just have to forget screwing a hole in my head. Facing my demons head-on at some point sounds a lot less painful.