A lot of thoughts have been keeping me up at night. Although I really do want to go back home for good (I think, see?!) it doesn't seem to be so easy. For one, I am fairly out of touch with life in the fatherland. While I currently work for a German firm, I'm also employed in their U.S. division, so no cultural difference there. However, I have a tough time even remembering what it was like to work in Germany at all. Probably due to the fact that I always worked for either the military or some other US affiliated company. I can imagine it will or would be quite a shock to me to suddenly work for a true Germany company. I'm not even sure that I want to do that. So it's a dilemma.

I've lived here almost 20 years now and the world has changed so much. I've changed along with it, grown older (not necessarily wiser sometimes - HA!) but I've also become extremely americanized. I even sound like an American when I speak German, having forgotten so many words and phrases. I couldn't even figure out how to work the ticket machine to ride the bus, for crying out loud! What a tourist!

At the same time I am reluctant to go the final step and acquire American citizenship. Not because I don't love this country but more because I do not feel ready to give up my German citizenship. Still having that last bit of the old world doesn't make me a true German any longer; I suppose it's my way of holding on to the past. I am really confused about the whole thing, to tell you the truth. I mean, switching nationality is so darn final. It almost feels like I'm cutting something off that really shouldn't be. Anyway...

...I'm 43 today. And what an uneventful birthday it has been thus far. No fanfare, no phone calls, presents or flowers...just another ordinary day. Should I be depressed about it? I don't feel depressed really. A bit miffed maybe that my children seem to have forgotten. Then again, could have something to do with the fact that they are both in the doghouse. Yeah, let's get back at her by forgetting her birthday, that'll teach her. Whatever. I'm going out for a few drinks after work and who knows...maybe I'll run into my Prince Charming. Rrrright.

On the bright side, I only have 12 years to go before I can qualify for the senior discount.