I've always been a Jackson Browne fan, so his song (see title) is more than appropriate at this time in my life. It ends with "You know I dont even know what Im hoping to find, running into the sun but Im running behind". I couldn't have said it any better. Truthfully I don't have words to describe just what I've been doing with my life since I became a legal adult. It has been such a chaos of relationships, places, people, my children. The more I got entangled into this crazy web called life the less I knew what the hell to do with it.

I guess we all ask ourselves "is this all there is?" I never really asked myself that question until now. I was so busy moving forward, keepin' on truckin', running this way and that and trying to stay sane. Somewhere along this timeline I've become a cynic and somewhat numb.

I suppose in a way I caved in to the endless barrage of abuse life heaps upon us. Sure, as a survivor I often came out relatively unscathed - at least physically. The emotional scars that one bears are invisible to the eye but ever painful and relentless.

I had a period where I devoured all kinds of books: self-help books, eastern philosophy, metaphysics, western religion. You name it, I've read them. They now collect lots of dust in my bookshelf and give my living room an intellectual flair. That's about it. Help they did not. I was more confused than ever. Religion just turns me off with all the rules and shall nots and I can't quiet my mind long enough to meditate.

I go through the motions of living but must admit that I feel bored most of the time, bored to tears. Nope, I don't feel particularly depressed. It really doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm going or who I'm with. I am just bored. Maybe disillusioned would be the better to say. That's brutal considering I am still young if the 40s are the new 30s. Have I really lived so much in so little time that I can't drag myself out of my shell to experience ..well, what...life? I have folks telling me to get out there and experience life and all it has to offer. Maybe I'm still waiting for my near death experience or that one A HA! moment to shake me up.