When I met him, it was one of those moments that are forever burned into your soul. Our eyes did meet across the room and we did fall in love instantly. It was a crazy, no-holds barred kind of love. The kind that makes you believe that nothing can hurt you ever again, nor ever did. I was barely 17 with too much life experience and not enough maturity to match it. I loved him with such fierceness and intensity that every man that ever crossed my life path after that was always silently compared…and ultimately dismissed.
22 years later, I have missed so much. I have held my potential mates to a standard that was flawed by youth, exuberance and innocence; none could have matched that. I was unfair.
When you are young and full of hope anything that comes your way is a sign of fate, a wink of destiny. Once you turn the corner of 40something, you know this not to be true. I held on to the love of my life for half of my life. I saw him in my dreams, made love to him again, held him in my arms…but it was all…well, just a left over. A remnant if you will.
I have wasted half of my life yearning for something that can never be again; lost in memories, what once was….
I have no regrets. I loved him. I loved him with every timbre of my being. Only now, it seems so futile.
Part of growing up is letting go. I know this to be a true fact; yet, it still hurts.
Random musings about finally growing up...or not.
From: Bremen, Germany
About me: I am but a mortal woman who has lived most of her life questioning everything and rebelling against it all. I've lived day to day, every day until recently; I suddenly realized I was 42. They say wisdom comes with age, I am still learning what it means to be grown up.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Letting go is the hardest thing to do
posted by Gina at 8:27 PM
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4 Comments:
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I also found that only in my 40s did I really start benefitting from my own life experience. It was only then that I trusted myself to learn from my own lessons. Be it love, or any other emotion, it is such a wonderful place to be when you can, as you have to articulately done in this post, recognize that you have shifted. For me, shift is growth, and if there is one thing I am determined to do as my life continues, it is to be constantly shifting. I hope life treats you gently, today and always.
How true and beautifully said. I read your posts and I have the uncanny impression that I must have written them in another life and forgot about them. Even if the facts are different (such a long love!), the feelings seem so much the same. I'm so happy I found your blog.